Guilt and Regrets
by CMQ31
Summary: I never liked him since day one. I never told him I loved him. But it was too late now. [TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide]


It all started when mother and father brought home the baby from the hospital, I wasn't sure where he came from. My younger brothers, Gabriel, Balthazar and Lucifer (his real name is Nicholas) ran over to them to see the baby. I walked slowly behind them and took a peek at him. He looked like me. Dark hair, pale skin and a rather small stature compared to Gabriel, Lucifer and Balthazar when they were babies. I've seen Gabriel, Lucifer and Balthazar's baby pictures, he didn't look like me or this baby. My father ruffled my hair before looking at me.

"Michael, meet Castiel. Your new baby brother."

I frowned and looked at Castiel.

I did not like him.

* * *

><p>Now, 12 years later. I still did not like him. I watched my youngest brother walk slowly into the kitchen. He has been acting all weird recently, not that I care. Castiel has been my least favourite brother, though, I would not say it aloud, otherwise, father wouldn't be happy. He sat on his usual chair and started eating his breakfast. I ignored him and glanced at my other brothers, Lucifer was busy texting while eating, Balthazar and Gabriel were busy chatting about things I often here them speak of. I sneaked a glance at Castiel. He wasn't eating much, only a slice of toast with butter, no milk, and water. His appetite was one to a million compared to Gabriel. He was wearing a rather baggy clothing with long sleeves. I raised a brow when he panicked after he noticed me looking at me. What a weird child. I came over to him with some of my food.<p>

"You need to eat more, Castiel." I did not look at his eyes, instead, I looked away with an expression sure enough to scare anyone.

He nodded slowly and reached to grab a small piece of waffle.

"Thank you, Michael." he looked down, refusing to see my face

* * *

><p>I am 18 now and on my final high school year. I was going to graduate in two months and I have my eyes set on a university nearby. It was stressing me. It did not help that my situation in my house wasn't nice either. Gabriel and Balthazar were almost never home, they've been busy partying, hanging out with friends and other stuff I did not do much in their age. Lucifer has a part time job in a diner, he always comes home late. Father has a business trip to Japan, my mother works as a doctor and wasn't home often. It left me and Castiel alone, sometimes.<p>

Although, I do enjoy the quietness Castiel gave to me whenever we're alone. He was always in his room and often goes to the bathroom and comes out with wet arms. I was calculating a math problem when my brother walked into my room.

"Michael…?" his voice was soft.

"I am busy, Castiel. Make it quick."

"Okay. M-Michael…do you...do you dislike me?" he slowly asked. I did not know what his expression is right now, I am guessing he is terrified at this moment.

"I do not know, Castiel. Please let me work in peace, go away."

"Sorry, brother, but I-"

"Get out of my room, Castiel." I repeated.

I felt Castiel nod and leave my room.

I heard a faint mutter of "Goodbye, Michael. I love you.". It was probably my imagination.

I finished my work 2 hours later. Oddly though, I did not hear Castiel coming out of the bathroom when he entered it. I also did not hear any activity in there. Feeling curious, I stood up and left my room. I felt something strange at the moment, though, I could not explain it. I walked through the hall and reached to the end where Castiel, Gabriel and Balthazar's room and a bathroom were built. Something caught my eyes.

A small red liquid splotch by the door.

I walked slowly to inspect it, the liquid was adding more and more. Then it hit me.

I grabbed the doorknob, tried turning it, it was locked. So I banged on the door, screaming Castiel's name. The door did not budge as soon as I realized I was standing on a pool of blood.

I charged with all of my strength and knocked the door down.

The sight wasn't pleasant.

I screamed on top of my lungs, in fear.

I saw what a big brother should not have seen.

A big brother, seeing his youngest brother, on the floor, with deep fresh cuts on his arms and legs, laying on a pool of blood.

* * *

><p>My family and close friends were wearing black. Not even a faint smile were visible on their faces. Tears streamed down their cheeks and sobbing could be heard. My younger brothers had different reactions, Gabriel was crying uncontrollably and was being calmed down by cousin Anna. Balthazar did not say a word since they were told about the news. Lucifer would constantly sob and weep whenever he was reminded of him. My father informed me of Castiel's problems at school, he and mother felt guilty for just finding out. Though, they do not know the weight I carry.<p>

The weight of guilt.

Of an oldest brother who never told his youngest brother that he loved him.


End file.
